Sarah’s Story
This story is shared on behalf of Yolande and Henso, baby Sarah's parents. They asked me to share Sarah's story, because they want Sarah to always be remembered.
My name is Kylie Collins, and I'm the founder and executive director of Walk With You. I also have the honor and privilege to be the primary team member that walks with families through the funeral planning process. Sarah's family and her story were and still are so precious to me.
Sarah's family are refugees, originally from Haiti. They had to pass through 9 countries before officially making it to the United States, making it a very difficult journey. They finally ended up here, in Des Moines, IA, just a few short months before Yolande (Sarah's mom) was to give birth to baby Sarah. Fortunately, they had been in touch with an incredible local nonprofit organization called Des Moines Refugee Support, and they were helping as best they could to acclimate Yolande, Henso, and their children. Thinking they were through the hardest time in their lives, they prepared for Sarah's arrival. They started learning English and enrolled their children in school.
They were not through the hardest time in their lives.
Yolande had experienced feeling "off" during her last few weeks of pregnancy and had even gone into the hospital to be monitored. She was reassured that everything was fine. When she went to her 39 week appointment, she was rushed to the hospital for an emergency c-section, because upon being checked out the doctors were concerned for baby Sarah's life. Sarah had a lot of trouble when she was born, and she was taken to a nearby children's hospital to attempt to save her. Despite the NICU staff's best medical efforts, Sarah had suffered too much brain damage, and she was not going to survive. On her 9th day of life, Sarah died in her mother's arms.
When Sarah was 8 days old, Des Moines Refugee Support volunteers had already begun searching for grief support for Yolande, Henso, and their children. By word of mouth, they were directed to Walk With You. I was able to have a phone conversation with one of their volunteers the day before Sarah died, and I walked her through all that was to come. We discussed memory-making items, keepsakes, pictures, and I let her know that Walk With You would be "walking with" them through all that is to come. She was so relieved to know that our organizations would be able to collaborate and support Sarah's family. Losing a child is nearly impossible enough to endure, let alone being in a foreign country, not speaking the language, and not having the financial means or an established support system to help navigate such a profound loss.
Des Moines Refugee Support gave me Yolande and Henso's contact information, and using Google Translate (thank goodness for technology!), we were able to correspond in Haitian Creole.
Walk With You's diversity team helped to research Haitian death culture so that we could support Sarah's family as best we could in ways they are familiar with. It was extremely important to Yolande that Sarah be buried as soon as possible. Part of Haitian funeral and death culture teaches that babies can be raised from the dead until they are buried, and this made Yolande feel uneasy and uncomfortable.
Walk With You volunteers, Des Moines Refugee Support volunteers, and the local funeral home worked tirelessly to plan a funeral and burial as soon as possible. Walk With You helped provide guidance and ideas, such as having a photographer there to capture the funeral service at the cemetery. We also learned that the number 9 is very important in Haitian culture. Sarah’s family traveled through 9 countries to get to the US, she was born in the 39th (9) week of pregnancy, she lived for 9 days, there were 9 people in the room when she died, and she was born and died in the 9th month of the year. This was shared with everyone in attendance. When it came time for Sarah to be buried, the reality that she really had died set in for Yolande and Henso. Everyone in attendance had learned about the importance of wailing in Haitian funeral culture, and so we were prepared for this moment to be truly painful, intense, and filled with lived-out-loud grieving from Yolande and Henso. There is truly nothing like the cry of a mother on her knees as her baby’s body is lowered into the ground before her eyes. Babies shouldn’t die. It shouldn’t be this way.
The weeks following the funeral were filled with zoom meetings, phone calls, and frequent text messages and emails between Walk With You and Des Moines Refugee Support volunteers, as we worked to ensure that Yolande, Henso, and their children were established with grief support. It is next to impossible to find infant loss support groups and counseling in their culture and language that are accessible through state insurance. Des Moines Refugee Support volunteers would provide leads, I would follow-up on these leads and make phone calls and send emails, all the while continuing to check in on Yolande and Henso using Google Translate. We ended up being able to find a child loss support group that meets virtually in Haitian Creole, at no cost to a family. We have communicated with the school that Sarah’s siblings attend to make sure they feel equipped to support them as they grieve the loss of their sister AND the loss of any sense of normalcy at home. We’ve found numerous organizations to send them grief care packages. We are still in the process of finding a Haitian counselor, but there have been some promising leads!
There was one morning I spent with Yolande that I’d like to share. I picked her up from her apartment and we drove to visit Sarah’s grave. We held hands while I drove, because even though we couldn’t communicate verbally, the ministry of presence with a grieving person is what it’s all about. Once we got to the cemetery, we listened to Amazing Grace and I read a passage from the book of Psalms that she asked me to read. We even both spent time praying out loud in our own languages. After I took her home, she sent me a message in Creole that said, “Thank you for feeling my pain with me.”
When I reflect back on that morning together, and the times we’ve spent together since, I am thankful. I am thankful that there are nonprofit organizations dedicated to meeting the needs of our community. I am thankful that because of these nonprofit organizations, a family that would certainly have fallen through the cracks in our country, especially in their grief journey, are not alone. They are supported. They are known. They are cared for. Sarah is remembered and honored. The ministry of presence transcends language and cultural barriers, and it’s an honor to do this sacred work.
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